And they support the South American DEATH squads. But first thing the next morning, I became a sun-worshiper. It's convenient. Why are there ten? But once youre born, youre on your own. I sit there laughing and they go to waste. Plus he knocked up your daughter. We are the embarrassed parents of a cross-eyed little nit-wit who at the age of ten not only continues to wet the bed but also shits on the school bus.. The rights and the rights of property. A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. Overnight I became a sun-worshiper. Selling is legal. When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not an agnostic- I'm an acrostic, the whole thing puzzles me. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live. "I just got here, man, you kiddin' me?" But you ever notice there's no war on homelessness, is there? 35. We had great gifts, and we gave it all up for both money and God We gave it all up to superstition, primitive superstition, primitive shit Invisible man in the sky, looking down, keeping track of what we do, make sure we don't do the wrong thing, if we do, he puts us in hell, where we burn forever. OK? Below youll find the best collection of George Carlin quotes. Huh? How can [God] be perfect? One of them turns the radio OFF, and the other one. If they say, Were the So-and-Sos, take a walk. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. Doctors prefer "Embry-No"! Of course, I'm sure the reverend isn't that comfortable with anything that has two knobs on it. No neonatal care, no daycare, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. Everything He ever makes dies., 9. I put a dollar in a change machine. Well, Reverend, did anyone ever tell you there are two KNOBS on the radio? 39. Actually, it's our way of saying, "Bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising dick up your ass a little bit deeper!". I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. What a ratio that is: 399,993 to 7. But if the truck was delivering insulin, ah! It's like "pre-recorded" "This program was pre-recorded." You might have noticed that I never complain about politicians. I don't even bring them home anymore. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. And you know something? Pray for anything you want. According to these guys, Jesus is undefeated, meanwhile these assholes are in last place. These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death. Birth control pills are still on prescription. ""I don't think we should be governing ourselves. They don't mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. These people call themselves "right to lifers." When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. So we keep ourselves limited. If he paralyzes Jack Tatum's son, that will be precisely ironic. Americans love to eat. Who wants to get sucked off by a forty-three-year-old clergyman with beard stubble? This is my list: guys in their fifties named "Skip." While some of his views may not be popular among the masses, he does make an interesting point when it comes to government. Organized religion and organized crime working together to help build a better America. 27. The original quote is, "We make ourselves miserable by first closing ourselves off from reality and then collecting this and that in an attempt to make ourselves happy by possessing happiness. He has been widely cited as a political humor expert and authored two books on the subject. I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. - George Carlin. Millions of dead motherfuckers, all because they gave the wrong answer to The God Question: "Do you believe in God?" They don't want to hear from you. See, the really hardcore people will tell you life begins at fertilization. Think about this: think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that. I leave that to others. His parents split up when he was an infant because his . The less said about it the better. George Carlin, 38. And here as long as were talking about theme restaurants, I got a proposition for you. Fascism won it. Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. George Carlin, 53. You have owners. George Carlin, 84. And complaining about the politicians. Well, not overnight, you can't see the sun at night. Grumpy, too much speed. We are on a nice downward glide. There are no innocent victims. Heres some bumper stickers Id like to see: We are the proud parents of a child whose self esteem is sufficient that he doesnt need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car. We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. We have a daughter in public school who hasnt been knocked up yet. We have a son in public school who hasnt shot any of his classmates yet. Hosted by Sabrina Tavernise. The people are fucked.". Anyone who mentions Jesus more than three hundred times in a two-minute conversation. We think in language. Here's my problem with the Ten Commandments: why are there ten? Keep em showing up at those jobs. George Carlin, 81. Right in the fucking head! ""Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. Because you have the illusion of choice. Weve added years to life, not life to years. George Carlin, 6. 13. In this blog post, well take a look at some of Carlins most famous quotes on government. You know the best thing about necrophilia? Fuck him and his balls, and his bicycles, and his steroids, and his yellow shirts, and the dumb empty expression on his face. Doesn't this piss you off? 01. Fucking is legal. Anything differentthat's what they're gonna talk aboutrace, religion, ethnic and national background, jobs, income, education, social status, sexuality, anything they can do to keep us fighting with each other, so that they can keep going to the bank! It's nothing. Nothing sacred about those things. It was stolen!" A crazy person will beat nine people to death with a steel dildo, but he'll be wearing a Bugs Bunny suit at the time. And you might have noticed something else. Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. You know why? No nothing. My advice: just keep moving straight ahead. You kick him squarely in the nuts, and you get the fuck out of there as fast as you can, and you go tell somebody right away; you tell as many grown-up people as you canone of them is bound to believe you. When they say "right to life," they're talking about THEIR right to decide which people should live or die. Im completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. But hey, reverend, there are two knobs on the radio! You rarely see a bumper sticker that says: Save the tumors. Or I brake for advanced melanoma. No, viruses, mold, mildew, maggots, fungus, weeds, E. Coli bacteria, the crabs. Required fields are marked *. You have no choice. It's a subconscious need to project the penis into other people's affairs. Because they got a letter from a minister in Mississippi! Well, of course it was pre-recorded! Some people don't want you to say this, some people don't want you to say that. This is the best we can do folks. ""Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Because chickens are decent people. And what can we do to silence these Christian athletes who thank Jesus whenever they win, never mention his name when they lose? I gave up on this stuff. What a fucking disgrace that place is! It creates a hostile work environment. Isn't that nice? Its the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin different. There's nothing wrong with suckin' dicks. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. That would be a nice realistic campaign slogan for somebody: The public sucks. Im not sure thats the way to fight discrimination. Updated on May 30, 2018. No nothing. People who actually know the second verse to "The Star-Spangled Banner." It's all very confusing. When they talk about drugs, they don't talk about all of them. BAD WORDS." "That's a, There are two-way words, like, it's okay for Curt Gowdy to say, "Roberto Clemente has two balls on him!" And if you read the news even badly, you know that every year the list gets shorter and shorter. (224), Many people work on war plans; not too many work on peace plans. Now there is another phrase I dearly love. Save the planet, we don't even know how to take care of. They own you. "Well, it's God's will." That's another complaint of mine too much use of this prefix "pre". The House of Blues they ought to call it the House of Lame White Motherfuckers; inauthentic, low frequency, single-digit, lame, white motherfuckers especially these male movie stars who think theyre blues artists. In America, anyone can become president. You don't need ten. Were gonna save the fuckin planet? Two reasons: first of all, voting is meaningless; this country was bought and paid for a long time ago. Let's kill a beautiful tree that's been alive for seventy-five years and bring it to New York City. Happy was into grass and grass alone Happy, that's all he did. Never join a group that has a name. Now, man"You up for the game?" Disgusting that people still make that argument that we can never cut defense but we can cut education. I started this website because I wanted to help people like you to maximize their potential and achieve their dreams. That is a true oxymoron if I've ever heard one . Otherwise it doesn't really work, does it? I say, Drop the pipe, and go to the dick! They will do anything for the unborn. When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. It simply does not give a fuck about you! We are the proud parents of a child who has resisted his teachers' attempts to break his spirit and bend him to the will of his corporate masters. You might get there on time, but, screw the company, those first twenty minute belong to you, right? That's the way the ruling class operates in any society. And complaining about the politicians. You know how we got it? You caused the problem. They don't want that. 41. "Undisputed heavyweight champion." Nothing left. I'm the first one to say it's a great country, but it's a. The upper class keeps all of the money, pays none of the taxes. This page was last edited on 1 April 2023, at 02:51. ""This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be. That's all it is. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. George Carlin Shitting on GovernmentBuy Me a Pizzahttps://www.buymeacoffee.com/LaughPlGEORGE CARLINhttps://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialGeorgeCarlin/feedGeorge's websitehttps://georgecarlin.com/Social Media:\rInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/thelaughplanetofficial/\rYoutube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiI_jyH_0yttWG-m5fBYGmA\rTwitter: https://twitter.com/laugh_planet\rWebsite: http://thelaughplanet.comContact us: ash98jha@gmai.com #GeorgeCarlin #Government #America #Comedy #LaughPlanet The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. George Carlin, 46. And generally speaking again it's all generalized the left-of-center people are more concerned with humans and human beings and human concerns; to the care of humans, not the care and worry about property rights. And the people said "You know something? So come on in. It's true! Keep 'em showing up at those. 47. Actor: Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure. They own everything. And we wont leave much of a trace. People are selfish. Original music by Dan Powell and Marion Lozano . The things that matter in this country have been reduced in choice, there are two political parties, there are a handful insurance companies, there are six or seven information centers, but if you want a bagel there are 23 flavors. They dont mention anything about cursing a lack of candles. You know what the motto of this country ought to be? Men are insecure about the size of their dicks, and so they have to kill one another over the idea. They come from American homes, American families, American schools, American churches, and American businesses. And they're against gun control and they're against nuclear weapons control. They want obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. Say, pardon me? (shoots gun) Im awfully sorry. They even have a war college at Ft. McNair, Washington. We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass. George Carlin, 79. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth. Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that shit. Didn't need any help on that ladder. The Trump administration is channeling George Carlin's "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television." It has banned seven words and phrases from the Centers for Disease Control and . Save the trees, save the bees, save the whales, save the snails. That's all we've ever had in this country, is a bill of temporary privileges. And then we want a toy and a gizmo and gold and we want shiny things, and we want something to plug in that will make big big big things for us And all that shit is nothing! But he loves you. Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something. Yeah, the public sucks. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid. That's generally been true. And the proof of it, the proof of it is, they don't even trust each other. When you get to Wikipedia, in the search field for Wikipedia, I want you to type in ". The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. In many ways, the comedian has the ability to be the philosopher of our era, a social critic and theorist whose words have the ability to shape public thought. This is what we have to offer. In fact, sometimes you get the impression that theyre the only ones who vote. They say if you scratch a cynic, you'll find a disappointed idealist. I think we need some new Christmas carols with a more modern approach. And immediately, I thought of the sun. (154), Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. Girls who get drunk and throw up at breakfast. It's ridiculous and it goes to ridiculous lengths! Carlin dropped out of high school and was stationed in Barksdale Air Force Base in Bossier City, Louisiana in 1954 . If you burn the flag, youre burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. Huh? And camcorders: here is technology gone berserk. Its disgusting, man. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. Broadly speaking. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down! (12), We're not satisfied with forcing Russia to destroy its nuclear weapons and recant its ideology. "The good Lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage." Its interested in its own power. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free. So at best the sanctity of life is kind of a selective thing. If I can be of any help to you on your journey I'll do my best. No. Or 'I brake for advanced melanoma'. We're all fucked. Don't let me be attacked by a maniac wearing a french tickler and a space helmet. 4. You have owners. I'd like to begin by saying fuck Lance Armstrong. I call it circling the drain And the circles get smaller and smaller and faster and faster, if you watch the sink empty Huish! Be happy with what youve got, because the owners of this country dont want that. And they all vote. Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? Whether you agree with him or not, George Carlins views on government are definitely worth considering. ""The owners of this country know the truth: It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it. 44. It is one that we need to function as a society. What's the alternative to pumping out a unit every nine months? So self-important. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Here's one for the ladies, "Nary-A-Carry"! "GIMME THAT, IT'S MINE!" Its so fuckin heroic. George Carlin, 18. Put it in your pocket and go the fuck home, you're a winner! Why isn't selling fucking legal? If its true that our species is alone in the universe, then Id have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little. It simply doesn't give a fuck about you. Thats the problem. Has been for thousands of years! Bullshit is rampant. Who stole my collection of used bandages?! I think if white people are gonna burn down black churches, then black people ought to burn down the House of Blues! Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life. George Carlin, 5. Kevin Winter/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images, Seth Meyers White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech, Dan Quayle Funny Quotes and Misstatements, The Funniest Political Quotes of All Time, France Jokes and Funny Quotes About France, Bidenisms: Funniest Joe Biden Quotes and Gaffes, Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. I wouldn't be surprised if they came up with a birth control pill that doesn't work all the time; they'd call it "Baby Maybe"! If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. The truth is, we dont have people like that. If my car should be in such a position where I can't quite see what's going on, can't get a good enough look, I'm not the. A Boy Scout master who owns a dildo shop. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. Regarding public Christmas displays: At some point, someone who worked at Rockefeller Center must have said, "Boys, I have a great idea for Christmas. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. It will be coincidental. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. <style>.woocommerce-product-gallery{ opacity: 1 !important; }</style> And just dumb enough to passively accept it., The government doesnt lie, it engages in disinformation., Im a loyal American and Im not happy unless I let the government and industry poison me a little bit every day., Government wants to control information and control language because thats the way you control thought, and basically thats the game theyre in., Bullshit is the glue that binds us as a nation., I believe the government should step in where the free market fails., Sooner or later the people in this country are going to realize: the government does not give a fuck about them., A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does.. What did Clinton say? The middle class pays all of the taxes, does all of the work. Thank God for that. What do you say? Nature is in here. The planet doesn't need that. Next time you're at a wishing well. It's ridiculous! Well, they don't want you to get an infection! He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. So about 80 years after the Constitution is ratified, the slaves are freed. They call them the. ""Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. That's what all that asshole jock bullshit is all about. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? They should be giving their money to you. Some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. And that of course was at the end of the Civil War. Simple thing. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesnt want you to do. Guys who wear the same underwear until it begins to cut off the circulation to their feet. 36. 30. Have you noticed that there are some people, who when they lose something, their first reaction is that it had to be stolen? Pretty neat deal, huh? And a boring game. Religion is just trying to control your mind, control your thoughts, so they're gonna tell you some things you shouldn't say because they're Smug, greedy, well-fed white people have invented a language to conceal their sins. The person who drives the car they go for a drive, the other people they go for a ride. When it comes to Gods existence, Im not an atheist and Im not an agnostic. But limited time only, though, so act now, order today, send no money. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. If a Kurd, after surviving bloody battle with Saddam Hussein's army and a long, difficult escape through the mountains, is crushed and killed by a parachute drop of humanitarian aid, that, my friend, is irony writ large. And Bush is pushing this country farther down the hill, faster than anyone has before. You don't see a chicken strapping some guy to a chair and hooking up his nuts to a car battery, do you? Let's go for a drive OK? Why isnt selling fucking legal? So he's gotta do everything he can to fuck the other guy a little bit faster and a little bit harder. You know, why should it be illegal to sell something thats perfectly legal to give away? It's a Divine Plan. Think about it: religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. We are! Now Darryl Stingley's son plays football, and if the son should become paralyzed while playing, it will not be ironic. 23. Happens to work. Keeping it and expanding it wherever possible. ", "One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. That's what the owners count on; the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that's being jammed up their assholes . It's all over the language now "pre"-this, "pre"-that, place the turkey in a "pre-heated" oven. Here are some of our favorite George Carlin quotes on politics. It creates a hostile work environment." I love that. And thenhitting it again! He was regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time. 38. Period. No contest! God? Lets get started! They don't care about the planet in theory. But there is an I in independence, individuality, and integrity. George Carlin, 14. 16. A lot of these cultural crimes I've been complaining about can be blamed on the Baby Boomers, something else I'm getting tired of hearing aboutwhiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "GIMME IT, IT'S MINE!" 28. The reason I talk to myself is because Im the only one whose answers I accept. George Carlin, 13. Is this the noblest thing that women can think of? Feel free to reach out and connect. Anyone who pays for vaginal jelly with an Exxon credit card. But a casual fan has no way of knowing, and it bothers me that some people might believe I'd actually be capable of writing some of this stuff. I gave up on my countrymen. Not so youd really notice it of course; just kinda on paper. The middle class pays all of the taxis, does all of the work. He was also known for his outspoken views on government and politics. We haven't tried that for a while. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? Something I could really count on. You kick the priest in the nuts and say, "Fuck you, Father, I don't do that shit" And you're out the door. Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. Rights aren't rights if someone can take them away. Awfully sorry.. Elect me." They don't fall out of the sky; they don't pass through a membrane from a separate reality. Hope these quotes will give you a different perspective on government and how it works. During bombing raids in Iraq, the media liked to say that Saddam Hussein used people as, The fanatics have another name for fetuses. The only country that could invade America is America! Am I right? No nothing. Darryl Stingley, the pro football player, was paralyzed after a brutal hit by Jack Tatum. 80% of a woman's fertilized eggs are rinsed and flushed out of her body once a month during those delightful few days she has. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations that've long since bought and paid for, the senate, the congress, the state houses, the city halls, they got the . Catholics and other Christians are against abortions and theyre against homosexuals. George Carlin was one of the most well-known and beloved comedians of all time. In America, anyone can become president. The planet will take care of itself. Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesnt mean the circus has left town. George Carlin, 23. I guess hard-core fans who follow my stuff closely would be able to spot the fake stuff, because the tone of voice is so different. You know, you, O Beautiful, for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, There are four hundred thousand words in the English language, and there are seven you can't say on television. That's what all that adolescent, macho, male posturing and strutting in bars and locker rooms is all about. Two. Now we're really going to get even: we're sending experts to show them how to run their economy. I dont understand why prostitution is illegal. Term limits ain't going to do any good; you're just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. That's what they told us they were, remember? BREAKING: 100 days . And because most of this stuff is really lame, it's embarrassing to see my name on it. Two to a customer, each item sold separately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery. Bomb them!" It presents itself as fairness, yet attempts to restrict and control peoples language with strict codes and rigid rules. George Carlin, 60. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. George Carlin, 49. They own all the important land. We're so self-important. Because if everything is really the fault of politicians, where are all the bright, honest, intelligent Americans who are ready to step in and replace them? 49. People who say they dont care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they dont care what people think. He said "Hi folks, I'm completely full of shit and how do ya like that?" Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy. -George Carlin '""The difference between left and right of centeroriginated in the Frenchparliament. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place, man? But if he starts that smart-ass fly shit, buzzing my head and repeatedly landing on my arm, he is engaging in high-risk behavior. You'll never see the black guys going, "Oh, golly! You don't wait thirty years. Gave it a lot of thought, decided it was a good plan, put it into practice. Governments dont want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. That was the time I said to a woman, "I hope you get a blister on your cunt.' And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!". If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. Let me get a sip of water hereyou figure this stuff is safe to drink? It's true! Tell you a little secret about the blues; its not enough to know which notes to play, you gotta know why they need to be played, and another thing I dont think white people should be trying to dance like blacks. As for the poor, they tell us they've lost all incentive because we've given them too much money. They call it the National Defense University, but it's a war college. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. People I can do without. Sooner or later, the people in this country are gonna realize the government does not give a fuck about them! 1. George Denis Patrick Carlin was born May 12, 1937, in the Bronx, New York. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. Here are 51 quotes from the late comedian that show him at his best hilarious, irascible and never satisfied with the state of society. George Carlin - Government doesn't care about you ThreeToedPete 955 subscribers Subscribe 504 35K views 12 years ago Someday the people of this country are gonna realize that the government. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. And the sad part is, is that most people seem to have been indoctrinated to believe that bullshit only comes from certain places, certain sources: advertising, politics, salesmen not true. Enjoy your retirement and collect your pension. When's the last chicken you heard about came home from work and beat the shit out of his hen, huh? The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity. George Carlin, 15. In prisons, before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol! A diversified multicultural postmodern deconstructionist. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. Nitwits, assholes, fuckups, scumbags, jerkoffs, and dipshits. We get to choose which forms of life we feel are sacred, and we get to kill the rest. Am I right? Your email address will not be published. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

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