A businessman was traveling in the train and his seat was reserved in the last couch of the train. What sort of car does a crazy person drive? 40. The train company had safety issues for years but were always able to cover their tracks. All Rights Reserved. The yellow bits are sweet corn, I said. His heel comes off! There is a surprising amount of humor in train jokes and puns. Theyre not the conductor. Now that you have a handy list of train puns and train jokes at your disposal, its time for you to share them with whoever will listen! you find yourself looking for old locomotives and color schemes during the obligatory chase scene through the rail yards when youre watching old cop shows and movies on TV. Before he faces his sentence, he's offered a last meal, and asks for a single banana, which is given to him. She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!" "Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!". This collection of train jokes are clean and safe for kids of all ages - and we're adding new jokes all the time. at gas stations you climb out the cab window and up over the back of the truck to get to the gas cap. Though no one was killed, the driver took the train company to court.At the trial, the engineer insisted that he had given the driver ample warning by waving his lantern back and forth for nearly a minute. The first blonde said: "These look like deer tracks." Response to passenger complaint about increased sleeping car fares:The berth rate has gone up since your last trip., 78. Its always great working with a train conductor. The inspector released a statement saying "These people do tend to cum in pears." Q: What kind of a car does a crazy man drive?A: A LOCOmotive. Q: Why was the Model Railroader tossed out of the party?A: He spiked the punch. 24. A: A chew, chew train. The Golden State, which has set tough pollution rules for cars and trucks for half a century, is going after diesel pollution from trains that it says are even dirtier. Q: What do you call a locomotive with a cold?A: A choo choo train. The train conductor was feeling silly and decided to wear platform shoes to work. returning and want to get on, get your . Because they run over sleepers.Whats the difference between a railway security guard and a teacher?One minds the trains and the other trains the minds.What did the train track say when he walked into the bar with the motorway?A pint for me please, and one for the road.What happened to the boy who was doing a project on trains?He found it difficult to keep track of everything.Whats the difference between a teacher and a steam train? Embarrassed, he quickly disembarked the room.No one would ever find out how hard he trained, because he never got a platform to share it.The train company had safety issues for years but were always able to cover their tracks. Watch and youll see, answered an engineer.When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another nearby. They can never decide on a root. 43. The conductor took it and moved on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. My first reaction when I began putting this list together was skepticism. Q: Why is the railroad angry? The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train. Follow the tracks. Wanna take the joke a little far? When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on. It was an ex-press train. Neither. Through their enginears. A man gets hit by a train and loses his legs A man loses his legs in a train accident and when hes rushed to hospital the only available transplant are a child's so he gets the surgery and when he wakes up he falls to the floor in pain the nurse runs up and says 'sir is it your legs' and the man goes 'no' 'its my kidneys' Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. No matter what, the train I regularly take home is always late. The Irishmen see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. Why did the sperm cross the road? Embarrassed, he quickly disembarked the room. The manager says he'll be right up. Laugh more here: Hilarious Puns and Jokes for Kids. His last meal request is a single banana. Yo mama is so dirty, she's like a hockey player only showers . I tried to get a job as a railway conductor, but they didnt think I had enough training.When the train engineer decided he wanted to run for office, he put the development of brailways for the blind as his main priority.How do locomotives hear?Through their enginears.What did the mother steam engine say to her baby to get her to eat?Here comes the choo choo train!How do you find a missing train?Hire an expert to follow the tracks.The conductor was right in the middle of his presentation when he lost his train of thought. He knocked on the door and said, Ticket, please.. I swear train conductors never get in trouble. Happy got out, so she started feeling Grumpy. This is an awesome gift for that friend or sibling of yours whos into math and science. Q: Why is it not safe to doze on trains?A: Because they run over sleepers. Youve got to hand it to themWhats the difference between a teacher and a railway security guard? Dont be afraid to bring one up randomly in casual conversations as well (like when youre meeting parents). To this, the other replied, "It's not the stairs that bother me, it's the low banister. In the good old days, all the conductors were a little loco and full of self e-steam.No matter where you are, youll never see happy railroad tracks. 85. 38. Deep. I finally figured out why you always try to drive me crazy. A chew chew train! Whats another name for a freight train thats transporting gum? A train station is where a train stops.if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'laffgaff_com-leader-1','ezslot_14',663,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-laffgaff_com-leader-1-0'); If Im offering you my seat, you take it. A: Because people are always crossing it! After that, I picked up the pace quickly. Yo mama so dirty, a pressure washer couldn't even get her clean. And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill. I have got the best collection of funny train jokes. Pessimist sees nothing but dark in the tunnel. How do locomotives know where theyre going? 70. He goes free again. Naughty trains! He even stood and convincingly demonstrated how hed done it. Teachers and railroad security are more similar than you might think. 12. He first punches a hole in the new bulb. Apparently, it's an end of line sale. Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. My boss told me, "You are the worst train driver ever. So after the conference, the Irishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). I may not go down in history, but I'll go down on you. How do you make the locomotive olympics? Jokes4us.com Privacy Policy. It is hard to find good train jokes. Otherwise she wouldnt untie us from the tracks. good train and railway jokes are hard to come by. He tried to cover his tracks. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest. No, I didnt miss my train! As hes helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, Man youre lucky I was here to help! Theres never been a failure before. A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. 11. I've always been driven by the joy of monorails. The officer asks him if he is married and the man replies, Yes I am., He then asks him if he has a recent picture of his wife. 67. Ive always been a big fan of a funny one-liner. 2.-. Texas law once said: When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each train shall come to a full stop and neither train shall proceed until the other has gone. Oh, no you dont! Ive always liked one-liners. All three fork over the money. 100 of the funniest dirty jokes that will make you laugh and gasp "Sex is like playing Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand" (Photo: Getty Image) By Alex. The complaints and suggestions book was given to him and he wrote: There should not be any last couch in the train. 157 Dirty Minded Jokes That Will Bring Out Your Naughty Side, 145 Short Dirty Jokes That Bring More Adult Humor, 155 Best Wedding Jokes to Kick off Your Speech, 150 Hilarious Tree Jokes to Fresh Your Mind, 152 Hilarious Wine Jokes to Make Conversation More Enjoyable, 151 Hilarious Tomato Jokes That Are So Juicy, 151 Hilarious Tennis Jokes Guaranteed to Leave You Rolling. You did superbly under cross-examination.Thanks, he said, but he sure had me worried.Hows that? the lawyer asked.I was afraid he was going to ask if the lantern was lit!, 56. Do you have more hilarious train jokes to add? *Ok, this might be a slightly exaggerated promise. It was enough to drive you loco.I wanted to put together this list of funny train puns a while ago, but I just kept getting sidetracked.What do you call a sick locomotive?A train with a coal-d.How do you make the locomotive Olympics?Train really hard.The cops were investigating the recent theft of a train.They suspected the culprit had a locomotive.Being a train conductor requires you to get up early in the morning.Right at the track of dawn.Driving trains is a lot more difficult than it steams.The train company had safety issues for years but was always able to cover its tracks.When things look bad you just have to keep calm and carriage on.The conductors mailbox is always stuffed with letters. To their astonishment, the Scots dont buy a ticket at all. His shoes start to smoke! Look at that S car go!. Train drivers are quite clever and known for their engine-uity. 1. Hes made it! Q: If an electric train is heading north, which way would the steam be coming out?A: There wouldnt be any. Look at you, panting away. The young man took a deep breath and said, Pop, I missed this train at the last station., 61. Achoo-choo train. Too many people have crossed them. Little Johnny Jokes. I took advantage of an end of the line sale. What do you call a sick locomotive? saying: "All of you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off. A lady passenger got off the train at the newly built standard gauge railway station at Jamestown, with a child in her lap and 2 suitcases. One trains the mind, the other minds the trainsI know someone who tried to runway after camouflaging a railway. Then get it yourself you lazy good-for-nothing idiot.. Wow, you really have to hand it to ticket inspectors. Its an electric train. A single banana, he says. "Look lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!" 20 Best Train Jokes & Puns that Go the Extra Mile Prepare to derail the conversation with these totally funny train jokes and puns. Here are some of the jokes I found on the back of the LaffyTaffy candy packages. He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to batter and bash the teakettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. When they board the train the three Irishmen cram into a bathroom and the three Scots cram into another one nearby. Because she didnt want to leave her trunk in the baggage carriage.How do find out how heavy a whale is?By taking it to the whale weigh station.When does a rabbit go at exactly the same speed as a train?When it is one of the passengers on the train.Anyone who steals a train would definitely have a locomotive.I was considering becoming a railway conductor or engineer, but I got put off by all the training.I went for a walk along the railroad tracks, but then I suddenly felt run down.I used to be a railway engineer but I kept losing my train of thought and going down the wrong track.A young man has just told me about a great offer on railway buffers. Turns out the banana had nothing to do with anything. Because people are always crossing them. A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. I guess thats why I like monorails so much!Always keep an eye on train puns, they can go off the rails without warning.Train conductors are known for their drinking. After a few times the conductor begins to become a bit impatient. If you have any train puns or jokes that you think we should add to the list, hop over to our contact page and suggest them! He doesnt care that he cant drive it or that he failed catastrophically before; he is obsessed with trains and his only desire is to operate one. The train-obsessed maniac, once more on the loose, wastes no time in hijacking a train and crashing it. A chew chew train. Thats why Im a fan of monorails.Ticket inspectors. 14. Trains appeal to everyone on an almost childlike level, perhaps because of their simplicity. Here are 10 Spanish jokes guaranteed to get a laugh. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. Lets check them out! It had forgotten the words.Why do you have to wait longer for a train on Halloween?Because they run a skeleton service.Did you hear about the Mexican train hijacker?They say he had locomotives.Whats the difference between a teacher and a train?The teacher says, Spit out your gum, but a train says, Chew chew!Why are dolphins so smart?Because within three hours they can train a human to stand at the edge of the pool and feed them fish!What do need in order to crash a train?A bad track recordTo become a licensed, airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. No matter where you are, youll never see happy railroad tracks. "Wipe it off and say you're sorry." Max_W_ 3. I dont want to drive you crazy, but I do have a loco-motive. Every time the train stops she asks him. 23. Three Scots and three Irishmen are traveling by train to a conference. OMFG! Its a freight day to go for a ride on a train.If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down.The conductor has never missed a day of work in over 20 years on the job.He was there come train or shine.You can always tell when a train driver is stressed because they bite their rails.The conductor was right in the middle of her presentation when she lost her train of thought.Embarrassed, she quickly disembarked from the room.Did you know that train conductors make great thieves?Theyre really good at covering their tracks.Its hard to find anyone with more focus than a conductor.They have complete tunnel vision.How does a train avoid detection?It covers its tracks.I once asked a conductor how many times a train he was on had gotten derailed.He told me it was hard to keep track.Why do trains take so long to arrive on Halloween?Theyre running with a skeleton service.I was able to pick up a few railway buffers for cheap the other day.I took advantage of an end-of-the-line sale.Its always great working with a train conductor.Theyre always ready to take one for the steam.What does a monster see when it sees a train full of passengers?A chew chew train.Conductors can be quite intimidating when you get them angry.Make sure you dont yank their train!Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor.Theyre quite at-track-tive.Three blondes were taking a walk when they stumbled on some tracks. ", One of them said, "This is is longest stairway I have ever been on." Because they arent conductors.How did the locomotive get so good at its job? A railfan was walking along the tracks when he came across an old lantern covered with ash and dirt. Achoo choo train. /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. Yo mama so dirty, her house was mistaken for a landfill. All texts within this site are protected under International rights of reproduction law: ToyTrainCenter.com. When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers. If there is any last couch in the train, it should be kept somewhere in the middle. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform.Will that work?Its worth a try.As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station.When the train reached Chicago, the mans co-passengers asked him why he kept on buying tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire trip.The man replied that his doctor had advised him against taking long journeys. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, Ticket, please.. They were still arguing when the train hit them. I obviously took the ex-press train back home.I went to a railway fancy dress party at the weekend. The fabric is made of ultra-soft combed cotton to get that comfortable fit and feel and comes in every size possible from Small to XX-Large. They are clean and easy to entertain kids. 88. They are cute because they rhyme and kids say them a lot. Choose your size on Amazon. It comes in a variety of sizes from Small to 3X-Large and is made 100% out of cotton. Conductors can be quite intimidating when you get them angry. "We tell everyone on the train that true communism is just around the corner! The first one eagerly tore open the bag and popped one into his mouth just as the train went into a tunnel.When the train emerged from the tunnel, he looked across to his brother and said: I wouldnt eat that if I were you.Why not? replied the curious brother.I took one bite and went blind for half a minute., 59. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. Hotel Manager 69. Sure hold on a second., The officer looks at the picture, and in a sad voice says, Im sorry, but it looks like your wife has been hit by a train., The man says, I know, but she has a good personality and is an excellent cook.. Who does He save, The man or the cow? 3,045. They point this thing at the windshield of the aircraft and shoot a dead chicken at about the speed the air-craft normally flies at it. I wasnt surprised to see every person there was wearing platforms.Remember the good old days of railways, when everyone had plenty of esteem. 26. You can see for yourself what I mean by scrolling through this list. you enjoy being woken up at 2:36 AM by the sound of a train passing by. You don't need to memorise much and they work in plenty of situations. I had a friend who quit his gig as a newspaper reporter and took a train out of town. Then the train will run again." "No, I have a better idea," says Kruchev. Just stay on the right track. No, sir! Before you continue reading the other 95 train jokes, puns, and crazy laws, I want to share with you a top I put together especially for people who like a good laugh! 36. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air. "Because I put on the wrong sock this morning." brutalanglosaxon 2. Unsplash / Lana Abie 1. And the other one said: "No they look like moose tracks." 15. Everyone had on platforms. Railroad workers arent what they used to be. 45. Not right now, Im having a poop, I shouted back. 80. 7. What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle? Do you want to go by Buffalo? inquired the ticket agent.Certainly not! she answered indignantly, I want to go by TRAIN!, 77. Youve got to hand it to them, 37. Why did the train have bubble gum? Everyone seems to have a crush on the train conductor. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it. Apparently, its an end of line sale.I like to share a train pun or one-liner. Three blondes are walking through a forest when they spot tracks on the ground. For your comfort, I came up with the best train jokes! But because you cannot punish a person twice for the same crime, the court is forced to let him go free. Score: 687. Ticket inspectors. How do locomotives hear? You'll also find jokes about Thomas the Tank Engine and some of his friends on this page - or you can visit a page dedicated to jokes about Thomas Clean Jokes About Trains Jokes for Kids The bird went through the windshield, broke the engineers chair, and made a major dent in the back wall of the engine cab.They were quite surprised with this result, so they asked the FAA to check the test to see if everything was done correctly. A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. Q: Why can't a steam locomotive sit down? The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic. In Wisconsin it was once illegal to kiss on a train. If you thought we were on the right track with these hilarious puns and jokes about trains, be sure to check out the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes, such as these: 2023 LaffGaff.com. My boss said to me, You are the worst train operator ever. I guess hes just really into one liners! Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. How can you tell a train just went by?A. Q: There was a train with passengers inside. Young Woman Q: Why is that train engine humming?A: It doesnt know the words. At the station, the three Irishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three Scots buy only a single ticket. You can see for yourself what I mean by scrolling through this list. Dont hesitate to contact us if you do and we are looking forward to hearing from you. I like to share a train pun or one-liner. I need to catch the 10 oclock train to Dublin.The man at the other end said Well, we are very busy at the moment but well have a taxi out to you as soon as we possibly can, but dont worry, the 10 oclock is always late.The first man then said, It certainly will be today, Im the driver., 53. Q: Why did the monster eat the caboose?A: The locomotive told it to choo choo. He asked for the banana but we didnt give it to him, we swear! says one of the guards. 28. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. 98. 89. I know someone who tried to runaway after camouflaging a railway. If you think this long list of train jokes compilation has brought you a good laugh and had made it to your humor, feel free to share, #mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; width:100%;} They argued and argued for a while and they were still arguing when the train hit them. Sure thing, no problem. I was having a poop in the toilet on the train when the conductor knocked on the door. One turns to the other and says to him, Look at this guy!The other guy replies, Yeah, almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim., 57. No problem, the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. You look so good; I wanna kiss your lips and then move up toward your belly button. Here comes the choo choo train!. Cassie bought each grandson a bag. Table of Contents. 100 + of the Best Laffy Taffy Jokes. Dirty jokes tend to be of sexual nature, make use of coarse language and can be offensive. Your email address will not be published. The next morning they strap him into the electric chair, pull the switch, and nothing happens. 93. By Mlanie Berliet Updated April 25, 2023. The T-shirt is 100% cotton, comes in sizes from Small to 2-XL, and can be easily cleaned with machine cold wash. So, look at these clean train jokes that you can tell for everyone. Best Short Jokes & Dirty One-Liners Sometimes, humor is all about efficiency and that applies to the best adult jokes as well. 46. They were not sure that its windshield was strong enough so they borrowed the testing device from the FAA, reset it to approximate the maximum speed of the locomotive, loaded in the dead chicken, and fired. There is no shame in accepting for your bawdy sense of humor and rolling on the floor laughing at R-rated jokes with your buddies. A passenger train is creeping slowly along. The troll who lives under my local railway bridge is my arch enemy. 64. Train Jokes A friend of mine quit his job as a reporter and left town by railway. I guess hes just really into one-liners.Even the toughest train engineer needs a brake to let off some steam.A railroad conductor needs to make sure he doesnt go down the wrong track and lose his train of thought.Train conductors are clever and known for their engine-uity.What do you call a train with buble gum?A chew chew train.My boss yelled at me the other day, Youve got to be the worst train driver in history. Stalin says, "I know what to do. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they're passing. It was our first choice not only because of the train pun, but also because it is printed with eco friendly inks. Later, as the man had said, he did fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized he was in Frankfurt. Joke #3864. The three of them rushed out of the bar onto the platform only to discover that they had just missed the train.The next train is in one hour, intoned the stationmaster.The three went back into the bar. 39. But I have to get off there! he insisted.Well, there might be one thing I can do. The court believed his story, and the suit was dismissed.Congratulations, the lawyer said to the engineer when it was over. "You were going 65 mph and the speed limit is only 60 mph, I saw it myself on the speedometer in the business car!" Optimist sees light in the end of the tunnel. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. If you spend too much time walking on railroad tracks it might leave you feeling run down. 4. Its a slowcomotive. The train track says a pint for me, please, and one for the road.I know an elephant who refused to travel by train because he didnt want to leave his trunk in the baggage car. while stopped at a RR Crossing for a long train, the other drivers are swearing and shaking their fists, but youre smiling and waving at the engineer & conductor. No one would ever find out how hard he trained, because he never got a platform to share it. A list of 48 Train puns! Oh, and did I mention that with every purchase, youll also get a FREE greeting card and a pendant? Let's take a look at our favorite short jokes for adults only: Vote: share joke. I like to share a train pun or one-liner. The FAA has a device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. Its just that these long trips get very tedious so I tell myself jokes.Why then, inquired Maggie, do you keep raising your hand?Well, smiled Roger, thats to interrupt myself because Ive heard that joke before., 62. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

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