Joan Rivers, 94. 58. Life is an adventure and getting wherever you are going is half the fun. Unknown, 31. Maybe one will reach out and grab you today. Now I realize I should have been more specific. Nobel who? It was here first." From the very best dad jokes to one-liners and puns, we've got it all for you! Live the life you love. Bob Marley, 23. . "7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.". "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made. Their first daughter was born with a silver spoon in her mouth. Nobel. She kept running away from the ball. We hold major institutions accountable and expose wrongdoing. 13. Starting with an icebreaker joke partnered with an activity can help the group share an experience that helps people relax and focus on the task at hand. If you need a little extra cheering, listen to these funny podcasts during your morning commute. They just wash up on shore. Dream as if youll live forever, live as if youll die today. James Dean, 74. ] [Jerry Seinfeld uses this technique. The first five days after the weekend are the toughest. Anonymous, 40. If I cared, I would have listened the first time. It is normal and easy to fall into the trap of autopilot and feels overwhelmed by lifes stresses, so why not take a break, have a read, and then share your favorite witty one-liners on life with loved ones to brighten their day. Funerals serve an important purpose for attendees. I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. Lily Tomlin, 50. "Life will be boring AF if you never mess up.". Still craving more? Now quiet! The people who live above me are furious. (Steven Wright), 3) I heard a story that the band Blink-182 incorporated under the name Poo Poo Butt LLC to embarrass their accountants in serious conversations., 4) I thought Id begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller. Be sure to check out these funny graduation quotes and inspirational quotes about life as well. 51. O'Rourke, 88. "My mother loves hats, and I think this one with a minimal and elegant elongated crown from Toteme is the perfect addition to her . Pro-tip #2: Not comfortable making jokes? Happiness is waking up, looking at the clock and finding that you still have two hours left to sleep. Charles M. Schultz, 30. "You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there." Plays on what makes a group similar and inspires feelings of group cohesion. -Janeane Garofalo. "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford. "Honey, time marches on and eventually you realize it is marchin' across your face." 22. When he talks, it isnt a conversation. But John came fifth and won a toaster. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. Unknown, 44. Fall puns that are a gourd play on words. A: Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves? is one good icebreaker joke. When you love people and have a desire to make a profound, positive impact upon the world, then you will have accomplished the meaning of life Sasha Azevedo, 15. "Carrie Bradshaw, Sex and the City, 33. Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong. Winston Churchill, 37. "The older you get, the better you get. 34. My son told me he didn't understand cloning and I told him, "That makes two of us.". A lab report. How can you tell youre getting old? So sit back, relax and get ready for some work-related chuckles. 75. Who is this Rorschach guy, and why did he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting? A hardened criminal. What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a unicycle? "Ellen DeGeneres, 68. Grab . Contact Us Required fields are marked *. Tech Blog Buffet is a French word that means get up and get it yourself.. 91. Im Alabama self. Dont stay in bed unless you can make money in bed. George Burns, 48. What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? Michael Scott, The Office, 90. Go ahead and underestimate me. Take my advice Im not using it. Unknown, 71. "Jerry Lewis, 67. Funny work quotes are some of the only things strong enough to fight off the Sunday Scariesby joking about Monday morning, of course. Your email address will not be published. Life is like homemade ice cream: sweet and seasonal. Some other work-safe jokes include dad jokes, puns, and a myriad of other clean and not-always-cheesy jokes that dont leverage taboos or inappropriate subjects. 29. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap., 90% of the men give the other 10% a bad name., Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type., The great question Which I have not been able to answeris, What does a woman want?. ~ Freud, I would rather trust a womans instinct than a mans reason. ~ Stanley Baldwin, Whatever women do they must do twice, as well as men to be thought half as good. Whats Irish and stays out all night? Sign up to receive the latest and greatest articles from our site automatically each week (give or take)right to your inbox. the veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. 78. A joke could make someone crack up one day and have no effect the next day. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? Show me a man who is a good loser, and Ill show you a man who is playing golf with his boss. Jim Murray. How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Exaggerations went up 1,000,000% last year. All the flowers of all the tomorrows are in the seeds of today and yesterday. "Cathy Guisewite, 17. One day the people that dont even believe in you will tell everyone how they met you. Johnny Depp, 77. 66. I'm great at multitasking. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Jesus, Matthew 6:27, 9. This website uses Google Analytics to collect anonymous information such as the number of visitors to the site, and the most popular pages. We may earn commission from links on this page, but we only recommend products we back. And if they would, I do not do that thing." "I've had great success being a total idiot. I am Ananya, a professional speaker and I love motivating people and inspiring them to pursue their dreams. When a woman gets up people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen., A woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. Strictly Necessary Cookie should be enabled at all times so that we can save your preferences for cookie settings. A: Tyrannosaurus wrecks. When we do it or inspire it in others, it can feel like magic, and like magic, laughter can be similarly mysterious and elusive. , A long life may not be good enough, but a good life is long enough. ~ Benjamin Franklin. Its not stroganoff. Every of the time! Kevin Malone, The Office, 32. Experienced interviewers and presenters have learned that rapport can make a potentially average interaction fruitful. 1. Spread some happiness with these. Steven Wright Quotes and One-Liners. What do you call a steak thats been knighted by the queen? 4. 83.86 % / 41 votes. Albert Einstein, 52. My friend gave me his EpiPen as he was dying. - Steven Wright. What do you call a blonde with half a brain? You know what your boss was trying to say? Why is Monday so far away from Friday and Friday so bloody close to Monday? Anonymous. How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." Updated: Jan. 12, 2022. But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot. Lance is an uncommon name nowadays. "Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands." ~ Jayne Mansfield. Patty OFurniture. Ayatollah you already. I never knew my real ladder. Playing to what makes an audience similar, A: You can find good icebreaker jokes for work in. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh? Life becomes easier when you learn to accept the apology you never got. R. Brault, 41. Statistician: a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. (Ex: Do you know what I love most about baseball? I can sit and look at it for hours. ", Q: What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? When life feels serious, it is important to lighten the tone, get out of your head and have a laugh. It's the transition that's troublesome. They get out of difficult situations very quickly. ' Don Marquis. Last night, I was driving, and I turned into a driveway. (Wiley). Sometimes a humorous quip can help everyone relax. A rich man is 0ne who isnt afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper. Keeping this cookie enabled helps us to improve our website. A bad habit has a unique detrimental effect on your life. Richard D. Rawlings, 61. Your email address will not be published. 61. Theres an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job. Peter Drucker, 18. Model that is, live the behavior you want others to practice. Mario Morino, 58. "Zig Ziglar, 99. We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. Unknown, 49. 37. Then turn to these bad jokes that you cant help but laugh at, short jokes that anyone can remember, and for the little ones, short jokes for kids. Handcrafted in Los Angeles. "Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing." Because, really, nothings better than a big belly laugh to start your week off right. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I saw a sign that said, "Watch for children," and I thought, I'll never forget my grandfather's last word to me before he kicked the bucket. 2. "I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. Iconic funny movie quotes from fan favorites and cult classics like Elf, Coming to America, Mean Girls, Legally Blonde, The Big Lebowski, and more have . The morning after, Dave wanted some hair of the dog that bit him. If you can fake that, you've got it made. -, "Light travels faster than sound. It truly is a win-win! What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? Ingratiate yourself to your tight-knit audience by opening with a little humor. What has five toes but isn't your foot? "Reality continues to ruin my life. 67. One liner tags: life, time, work 83.16 % / 1379 votes. Probably not a burning desire to go to work. Some men say they dont wear their wedding band because it cuts off circulation. "Kevin Malone, The Office, 21. Funny work quotes can be the antidote to even the strongest workday blues. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off. When you go to an antique auction and three people bid on you. 94. My foot. Looking for more inspiration? We recommend our users to update the browser. 145+ One-Liner Jokes As Punny As They Are Funny. 49. My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas. Whats a dogs favorite homework assignment? Question:What do you call a fish with no eye?Answer: FSH. Alesandra is a digital travel and lifestyle journalist based in Los Angeles whose work has appeared in Good Housekeeping, Womans Day, Prevention, Insider, Glamour, Shondaland, AFAR, Parents, TODAY and countless other online and print outlets. "The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. 1) Have you ever noticed [fill in with something you find interesting or funny. Why dont pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? Hey, if I could pay you less, I would, but its against the law. My mother was so surprised when I told her I was born again. Mornings contain the secret to an extraordinarily successful life. Hal Elrod, 32. Never mind, I shouldnt spread it. (Best Life), 5) Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. "The lord gave us two ends: One to sit on and the other to think with. "Mark Twain, 23. Funny one-liners 1. "Betty White, 61. We are no longer supporting IE (Internet Explorer), I Slept on the Sealy Posturepedic for Five MonthsThese Are My Honest Thoughts, 108 Sarcasm Quotes That Are the Perfect Mix of Witty and Clever, 100 Funny Inspirational Quotes for When You Need a Good Laugh to Get Moving, Do Not Sell or Share My Personal Information. "A man is at the funeral of an old friend. Im never included in anything either. 23. We provide a monthly, curated selection of healthy snacks from the hottest, most innovative natural food brands in the industry, giving our members a hassle-free experience and delivering joy to their offices. "It's never too late to have a happy childhood.". What do you get when you combine a rhetorical question and a joke? They are not only hilarious, but can help send the sarcastic remarks and messages in a light way. "I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness. Did you know that there are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones? Anybody with you? I wanted my kids to watch the orchestra, but I had to turn it off. "My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. I always give 100% at work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday and 5% Friday. Anonymous, 35. 20. "I'm not crazy I've just been in a very bad mood for 40 years." May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears. Nelson Mandela, 64. Jean Illsley Clarke, 53. Unless you're a banana. You can't plant flowers if you haven't botany. Theres a lot to be said in his favor, but its not nearly as interesting. And by sometimes I mean all times. 101 Funny Quotes Guaranteed to Make You Laugh, Julianne Hough Looks Fierce in a Naked Dress. "Do these genes make me look fat?" 3. 60 British insults for getting your message across 04/19/2023; 15 witty quotes by Joan Rivers to . 89. 90 Anger Quotes To Help You Control Your Temper. 54. That is your bosss job. Anonymous, 22. Dont take life so seriously, you will not get out alive. Elbert Hubbard, 3. "Life really does begin at forty. The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence. 1. These funny quotes about life provide inspiration and entertainment, along with ways to express your experiences. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once. "Bill Watterson, 64. In this article, we shall read some really funny ones that will help you see why life should always be taken with a pinch of salt. 8. Just leave me alone! Unknown, 76. In fact, many of the best one-liners work a little like social glue. 80. Pretty women go shopping." Because they have two left feet. What do you call Santas helpers? All the time. So weve included a mix of what we think are the best one-line quotes about life; uplifting, witty, and smart. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. "Women marry men hoping they will change. So, 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. 69. 56. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Our site includes quite a bit of content, so if you're having an issue finding what you're looking for, go on ahead and use that search feature there! Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? 61. Looking for inspirational quotes about being clever? The Best Employee Recognition Software Platforms The first slide was my paycheck. Anonymous, 17. 8. It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally. The coach replied, "You're standing too close to the ball after you've hit it.". Discover unique things to do, places to eat, and sights to see in the best destinations around the world with Bring Me! If they're OK, then it's you." I'd never let my children watch the orchestra because there's too much sax and violins. Apparently, you cant use beefstew as a password. But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. - 101 funny one-liners - Best knock-knock jokes for kids. Whos there? Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do people, and humor, there's so plenty time. "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.Isaac Asimov, 77. Its called wedding cake. "Anybody who tells you money can't buy happiness never had any." 1) By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, hes too old to go anywhere. (Billy Crystal), 2) I have a piece of paper, dont mind me. I'm great at multitasking. He thought it would make him faster, but it just made him sluggish. "Isaac Asimov, 18. Sarah Brown, 98. They hang together, half of them dont work and the other half arent so bright. Anonymous. Nobody gets out alive anyway. It's inevitable that people will feel awkward trying to make small talk when a loved one dies. "It takes a long time to grow an old friend.". 3. "I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas." - Unknown 4. 55. "Carrie Fisher, 70. An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. Niels Bohr, 16. "I'm not offended by blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb. Opening your meeting with a little humor via icebreaker jokes, even your cheesiest knock-knock jokes or dad jokes, can: Make your meeting life start feeling more like your best life with the icebreaker jokes below. 52. Search in the largest collection of one liners and puns. "Cindy Crawford, 40. "I don't trust anyone who does their own hair. In one episode . Lets chat! Stop hating Mondays. (David Letterman)), Gives people an acceptable way to release their feelings on socially inappropriate topics, such as anger, bodily functions, online dating, or even the misfortunes of others. "If you can't be kind, at least be vague. 87. It comes naturally to them. - Steven Wright. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Knock, knock. He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn. One. 28. Problems are not stop signs, they are guidelines. Robert H. Schiuller, 67. Witty one liners are jokes that are delivered in a single line. Pro-tip #1: Do you know whats not funny? I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one. But they don't really know me. - Steven Wright. 136 work jokes that are actually funny and easy to deliver. I wanted to make a joke about leeches, but it sucked. Whats motivating you to get out of bed instead of hitting the snooze button for the seventh time? I dont know, but its flag is a big plus! (Best Life). A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one. Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, 57. For even more humorous remarks, check out these funny fortune cookie sayings. 63. "David Lee Roth, 79. Check out our list of virtual team building activities to help remote teams engage with each other in a new and exciting environment.). They tell your audience why listening to you will be more exciting than getting lost in their pics, tinder profiles, or social media channels. "I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. Sign up for our weekly newsletters and get: By signing in, you agree to our Terms and Conditions Its a funny feeling to work with people who you consider your colleagues and to realize that they actually are young enough to be your children. Alan Alda, 33. Employee Wellness Program Ideas ], 2) I threw a boomerang a few years ago. 83. Time decides who you meet in life, your heart decides who you want in your life, and your behaviour decides who stays in your life. Unknown, 26. Life is a question and how we live it is our answer. Gary Keller, 10. "Benjamin Franklin, 30. Something for everyone interested in hair, makeup, style, and body positivity. On online dating profile is found on dating profiles for both guys and find and girls which of dating profile quotes will want a funny. No man goes before his timeunless the boss leaves early. Groucho Marx, 23. "A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.". I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. We can do anything we want to if we stick to it long enough. Helen Keller, 28. Man invented the alarm clock. Pablo Picasso, 6. 8. Luckily, this is not difficult." I wanna be 14 again and ruin my life differently, I have new ideas. Unknown, 4. Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. But then again, why take the chance? (Phyllis Diller). "Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down." "The meaning of life is to give life meaning." - Ken Hudgins 2. There are days one should really just sleep through. "The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age. One-Liners. "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well. Its a real ice breaker. (Laffgaff). I want to receive exclusive email updates from YourDictionary. You will never get out of it alive." '"Groucho Marx, 31. If you cannot be wise, pretend to be someone who is wise, and then just behave like they would." What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? ", "Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they think. Theyll choose your nursing home. Unknown. We and our partners use cookies to Store and/or access information on a device. Thats why we recommend it daily. Zig Ziglar, 51. However, we do have a wealth of theories and insights that can help you create, tell, or at least better understand the magic of jokes. I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian. Find even more icebreaker jokes in. One liner tags: attitude, communication, life. 14) When in doubt, mumble. Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is. The hard part is getting them into the light bulb. Life is full of many ironical aspects that are beyond human comprehension. "Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may eventually get to be boss and work 12 hours a day. Robert Frost, 20. Now that I have children, I understand the scene in Return of the Jedi where Yoda is so tired of answering Lukes questions, he just up and dies. (iFunny). "I always cook with wine. Enjoy it before it melts. Fun Office Games & Activities for Employees Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. If Whole Foods sells sliced apples, is it false advertising? 46. Small son sitting on Daddys lap: Im still confused. But, if such a sad instance occurs and you couldn't find your favorite one-liner included in our list, add it in the comments section. 'Never take life seriously, no one gets out alive' is an oft-heard and good one-liner that inspires people to be positive about life and makes you laugh. Life truly is what we make it, so if we have a choice, why not make it fun. And thats just in the hot dogs. (David Letterman), 2) Ive been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight. Oscar Wilde, 92. I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you. "The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen." Michael Scott, The Office, 15. 6789 Quail Hill Pkwy, Suite 211 Irvine CA 92603, "I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Question:Why did the chicken cross the road?Answer: To prove to the opossum that it could be done. He has pills he can take, but he cant get them out of the bottle. The fastest road to meaning and success: choose one thing and go all-in. Maxime Lagac, 38. 57. Steven Wright. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Did you hear they arrested the devil? With quotes from famous comedians like Betty White, Joan Rivers, Lucille Ball, and Phyllis Diller, here are the best laugh-out-loud quotes to enjoy anytime you need a laugh. 6) A player asked his golf coach: "What is going wrong with my game?". Then it hit me. "As you get older, three things happen. Of course I wouldnt say anything about her unless I could say something good. I changed my password to "incorrect". Hes at the hospital getting checked for rabies now. "Zach Galifianakis, 20. Alesandra has a masters degree in journalism with an emphasis on cultural reporting and criticism from NYU, and a bachelors degree from UC Berkeley. "Jim Halpert, The Office, 89. Self care and ideas to help you live a healthier, happier life. We use cookies to create the best site experience. Whos there? Pam Beesly, The Office, 38. This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. 76. Question:Why cant men get Mad Cow Disease?Answer: Because it only attacks the brain.

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